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ISSUE FIVE IS NOW AVAILABLE Oh, you've got to get in on this one. It's humor that'll make your mama cry. Some of the contributors include: David Cross, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, Davy Rothbart, Elizabeth Ellen, Christopher Monks, Wendy Molyneux, Aaron Burch, Bob Fingerman, Johnny Ryan, and the list goes on and on. Check it out! SIGN UP FOR THE MONKEYBICYCLE MAILING LIST Get updates from us about our events, our books, our grocery purchases. Your e-mail address: DONATE TO MONKEYBICYCLE READ THE CONCLUSION TO MONKEYBICYCLE'S FIRST PRINT ISSUE HERE © 2003-2008 Monkeybicycle. Monkeybicycle is proud to be an imprint of Dzanc Books	MONKEYBICYCLE ONLINE ARCHIVE Stories previously featured on the Monkeybicycle web site. The Andrew Jackson Stories, Part 6: The Barker Tiedown by Aaron Sitze This is Us by Shellie Zacharia The Andrew Jackson Stories, Part 5: Watching Plants Grow by Aaron Sitze A Post-Mortem on Our Art Heist by Tyler Stoddard Smith The Andrew Jackson Stories, Part 4: The Grandmother of All Trout by Aaron Sitze 10 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Write My Own Life Story by Glen Binger The Andrew Jackson Stories, Part 3: Herbs for the Colossal Swede by Aaron Sitze Fokken by Grant Flint The Andrew Jackson Stories, Part 2:What Do You Know About Palm Fronds? by Andrew Sitze Summer Stalks by Frayn Masters The Andrew Jackson Stories, Part 1: Wool Blankets and the Old Revolution by Aaron Sitze Time Machines Can Be Dangerous by Pete Reynolds On Poetry by Kevin O'Cuinn Peter Christopher by Brandi Wells If I Coulld Fly by Colin Nissan Letters of Great Consequence That Never Arrived by Clive Bannister My Perfect Year by Todd Kelly Some Excerpts from the Lonely Planet Master Guide by Summer Block Kumar Yahoo! SpamGuard Fails Me Again by Greg Boose Faulty Flashlights by B. J. Hollars Conversation Piece, 1988 by Jimmy Chen Andrew Jackson and the Gum Disease Gingivitis by Aaron Sitze X-Ray by Jon Chopan Melvin Blaylock Attempts a Hallucinatory Revelation by S. Craig Renfroe, Jr. A Few Years After the War by John Griswold Circumstances Under Which I Will In Fact Bite by Daniel McArdle An Angry and Profane English Professor Responds to Individual Sentences from Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live (2002), by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller by Matthew Sewell My Complete and Unabridged Sexual History in 60 Seconds by Shay Nicely Pineapple Noir by Eric Suhem The Coyotes Who Sometimes Hang Out in the Woods Near Frank Stellgard's Home Talk to Him About Their Preference in Beer by Russell Bradbury-Carlin Even Thoough There are Far More Important Things than Teaching English, I have Chosen to Teach English and I Refuse to Answer Your Question, "Why?" by Jenny Zhang While You Were Out by Alexandra Leake Seen and Not Seen by Patti Jazanoski Here Am Sounding by Stevie Davis How I Redecorated the Fortress of Solitude by Rafael Galan Five Steps in Your Evolution by Joseph Cameron Reunion by Scott Garson A Word From the Society for the Prevention of People Being Buried Alive (A Pamphlet): Circa 1850 by Cody Shaffer 13 Times I'd Rather Not Remember by Brandi Wells Intellectual Property by Angela Woodward My Cutting-Edge Cyber Romance Novel: The First Seven Drafts by Charlie Anders You Don't Support Me In My Writing by Tyler Smith Like They Used To Do In the Movies by Adam Maxwell Lao-tzu Reviews the Top Tracks of 2007 by Marco Kaye If You Get Your MFA by Christina Delia How to Write a Poem About the Beach by Eva Romero Off Day by Charles Lennox In Hindsight, I Probably Included Too Much Personal Information in My Missing Dog Bulletin by Ian Rick Would You Please? by Sean Ruane My Love Affair with a Librarian, From Start to Finish, as Told Through the Dewey Decimal System by Nick Confalone A Short History of Happy New Years (and Not So Happy Endings) by Ben Tanzer Dog Penis Hairspray or the Spirit of the White Elephant by Dawn Corrigan Home is Where I Pass Out Alone for the Holidays by Grievous Jones Three Stories that are Almost Entirely Unrelated Except They're All About Christmas by Richard Rippon Dangling Modifiers in Honor of Christmas by Matt Salesses The Kids Next Door by Mary Phillips-Sandy Famous Christmas Figures' Psychological Disorders, Diagnosed by Wendy Molyneux Two Nights Before Christmas by Brian Beatty A Holiday Greeting From the Bukowskis by Tyler Smith A Christmas Story with Puzzler by Elizabeth Ellen Pagan Scandinavia vs. Christmas at My Aunt and Uncle's House in Minnetonka by Kathryn Holmquist You Forgot the Gravy, Didn't You? by Zach Wolff Cookie Time by Abby Denson Christmas Would Be In December by Aaron Burch Ideas for the Holidays or Inside the Mind of a Small Indian or Welcome to the Jungle by Millie Munshi The Last Noël by Josh Fischel Feet in Socks by Amy Güth Christmas Eve with My Father (or, "Just Fucking Run") by Patrick Dean Laryy Sm1Th, Email Spammer, Writes a Christmas Card to His Parents by Greg Boose I am Holding Your Hand by Myfanwy Collins This Quiet Complex by Amelia Gray Almost, But Not Quite, a Christmas Miracle by Ralph Gamelli How They Fit by J. A. Tyler Donny by Ben Segal Fact File by Mike Topp So Lucky by Beth Thomas Refresher by Joshua Ben-Noah Carlson A Letter to my Future Self by Nathan Thornton The Beatles by CL Bledsoe Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Wedding by Clifford Garstang Why Barbara Lost Her Job as Copywriter for the Community Education Course Catalog by Shellie Zacharia Hoping for a Big Bang by Paul Kavanagh Your Home Pregnancy Test Results by Nathaniel Missildine Adherence by John Roberts A Scale of Combat by Kyle Sundby Seven Items Concerning My Recent Family Road Trip to Canada: by Millie Munshi Light Boxes by Shane Jones Coco by Valerie Vogrin Unedited Idioms by Justin Droms The Death of Stalin by Christopher Higgs Questions I Regret Not Asking by Thomas Hopkins Excerpts from "The Road," by Woody Allen by Ralph Gamelli Three Small Stories II by Darby Larson Stan Lee's Rabbit, Run! by Charlie Anders The Man Who Retired to the Moon by Dave De Fina There Are Unconscious Mental States And Processes, For Example, How This Very Second You Are Semantically And Syntactically Processing This Title by Patrick Vittek Harpoons of Love by David Manuel Valin Punctuation in Three Acts by Jessica Handler Charles by Steve Himmer Jokes Without Punchlines by Tom McCormack Orbit by Claudia Smith Highlights From the Portfolio of Robert Mapplethorpe, Wedding Photographer by David Hart My Organ Donor Card: Annotated by Jay Dyckman The Music Man by Jen Michalski Random Excerpts From My New Line of Travel Guides to Cities That I Have Never Been To by Mike Jones What I Like About My UPS Man by Laura Hirneisen Jose Canseco Knows which Superheroes are on Steroids by Ralph Gamelli The Hog by Dawn Corrigan A Parable About the Superiority and Pleasures of Realistic Fiction by Justin_Kahn It's Only Rock and Roll, But We Like It by Ben Tanzer Speaking in Tongues by Scott Brothers The Daughters by Myfanwy Collins Opposing Perceptions of the Same Argument...with Both Arriving at the Same Conclusion by Ric Reichert Some Brief Remarks About Mud by Bill Winter Current Living Nobel Prize Winners in Literature Make Headlines for Short-lived Intellectual Gossip Rag by Tyler Stoddard Smith A Parable About the Superiority and Pleasures of Realistic Fiction by Justin Kahn West Creek Herald Newspaper Corrections/Clarifications by Mark Garrison Page 194 of the 276-Page Memoir of a Golden Retriever Named Chewy by Eric Feezell Can I Just Point Out How Racist I'm Not Being Right Now? by Charlie Anders A Zagat Writer Reviews Everyday Life by Rob Bloom Recent Rejections: The Collected Turndowns (Literary Included) by Kevin O'Cuinn Cats Witness History by Alex MacInnis Albert Belle is Coming to Dinner by Brendan Proce Three Small Stories by Darby Larson Probably the Only Chronology Ever Written About Bob Dylan by Nataniel Missildine Sex Dungeon For Sale by Patrick Wensink The Dog of the World C by Sam Bennett Heat Miser and Snow Miser: The Correspondence by Ralph Gamelli Elizabeth Ellen, 1972 by Elizabeth Ellen Crash & an Interpretive Dance by D. Harlan Wilson Text From Museum Wall Labels Altered to Describe My First New York Apartment by David Hart I Try to Make Scents of It All by Tyler Stoddard Smith Pies by Mary Phillips-Sandy Outlines by Michael de los Reyes More Reasons Not to Supply Dogs with Kielbasa Sausage by Charlie Nadler Our Happiness by Dawn Corrigan My Hypoglycemia by Andy Cobb Mad Libs for Difficult Situations by Rob Bloom In Loving Memory by Jon Alan Carroll The Day California Fell Into the Sea by Amelia Gray A Dam for a Flood by Jimmy Chen My Quasi-Paranormal House by Ralph Gamelli Leave Playboy Magazines in the Woods by Patton Oswalt How to Hide a Dying Dictator in the Eating Disorder Ward of the State Hospital by Amelia Shackelford Self-Help for Superheroes by Rafael Galan Her New Dolls by Andrew Dicus Having Semi-Regular Sex on a Pontoon Boat in La Jolia by Justin Varara Stages of Foreign Language Learning by Nathaniel Missildine The Beginnings of Ten Stories About Ponies by Wendy Molyneux Palm Beach is a Warm, Warm Soft Angel Made of Sand by Dan Kennedy and Sean Carman In Which I Date Someone for a While and then Pause to Reflect by Josh Fischel Real Reviews of Fake Restaurants by Jon Allan Carroll Amber at the Window in Hurricane Season by Justin Taylor Adam in the Garden of Eden by Rick Stoeckel Stories by Edgar Omar Aviles by Translated by Toshiya Kamei Wedding Bells by Paddy Jones Reconstruction (A novel excerpt) by David Ohle Assorted Rays: Ranked According to Coolness by David Ng Loser by Shya Scanlon !%Viva la Revolution by Magdalen Powers A Medieval Bestiary of Vegetables by James Warner That Bitch by Caroline Kepnes SUBURB OF THE PARANOIAC-CRITICAL WRITER; AFTERNOON ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE ORION ARM (2005) by Dan McNeil The Truth About Noses (Beauty Talk & Monsters Series) by Masha Tupitsyn The Bottle Collector by J. Sallini-Genovese Warning by Angela Jane Fountas My Name is Martin, Too by Justin Kahn Three Screams by Jay Wexler Love in Miniature by Martha Clarkson Suddie Shea by EBArnold Two Stories by Leland Pitts-Gonzalez How To Get Over Your Second Wife Jan WIth Class by Dan Kennedy and Dan Kennedy's Poetry for Monkeybicycle: A Look Back by Sean Carman i went fishing with my family when i was five by Tao Lin Superpowers by Ray Vukcevich Oswald in Love by Richard Hulse Beautiful Nature: A Story Pieced Together from Things my ESL-Teaching Friends Have Sent me from Japan by Pasha Malla A Story Named After the Ocean by B. Laviolette Point Five by Juliet Latham we broke beds by David C. LaTerre Milk by Jennifer Dziura The Very Last Story by Josh Kron Mysteries of American History by Kurt Luchs Christmas by Tao Lin Best Man's Speech (Draft) by Andrew Day One-sentence Stories The Continental Bedsit by Emmett Cole From the Dispatches of Budd McAllen, Ethnomusicologist by Brendan Kiley Four Stories by Brian Beatty Three Short Ventriloquists' Routines for Today's Ventriloquist by Mike Fowler There It Is--A Short-Short by Randall Brown Funk Poem About A Gal Named Carol by Dan Kennedy and Never Loved A Girl Named Carol: Further Reflections On Dan Kennedy's Genius by Sean Carman Eloise by Hilarie Shanley Optimal Handling of the C-NU(TM) by K.O. Cuinn The Tylenol Cheerleader: A Tragedy in Three Parts by Sharma Shields Tentacles by Andy Henion One-sentence Stories, Batch Five Domestication by Martha Clarkson Friend is a Ship and Dumpster Manifesto by Willie Smith Mix Tape by Gavin J. Grant Xunantunich by Danielle Cantin Joseph's Dilemma by Matt Bell Before You She Was A Pitbull by Elizabeth Ellen The Sheriff and the Stranger by Scott Brothers I am Finally Letting Folks Get Into Some of My Poetry and Cast Aside Sweet Sorrow for Tonight We Rock: Dan Kennedy's Sharing of His Love Poetry by Dan Kennedy and Sean Carman Stories, Only the Beginnings by David Drury Shine by Darien Cavanaugh One-Sentence Stories, Batch Four One-Sentence Stories, Batch Three How Other Countries Celebrate American Thanksgiving by Christopher Monks, Aaron Burch, Steven Seighman, Matthew Simmons, Pasha Malla and Melissa Bell One-Sentence Stories, Batch Two An Uncontrolled Swelling by Matt Briggs One-Sentence Stories Inverse After by Shauna McKenna My Elephant Boy by Christopher Monks Novel Double/ Double Novel by Doug Nufer Sauce by Miriam Kotzin and Bill Turner The Enemy of the Bee by Darren Chase Inn by Davy Rothbart My Life At The New York Post by Richard Grayson Indian In The Cupboard by Mike Topp Appendix To The Prufrock Second Manual Of Etiquettes For Surviving The Modern World Politely: More Hints And Useful Tips For Situations In Or Arising From The Workplace by James Hogwood Social Contract by Stephen Elliott Turning Thirteen by Wells Oliver On the Phone With Haley by Julia Glassman Zane: Bildungsroman by Brendan Kiley Eyes Like Kumquats, Lips Like A Cocked Gun by Jay Wexler The Man In The Shed by Jeff Reichman NOLA Chronicles Part 1 Part 2 by Chjad McEvoy Englishman v. Irishman by Mike McGowan Katie Couric Interviews Soren Kierkegaard on the Occasion of the Paperback Publication of The Concept of Dread by Ken Krimstein America Fell in Love With the Explosions Technician by Henry Mansfield Bring Me the Head of the Cross-eyed Jesus by Clay Matthews Doc Nostrum's Miracle Confection by Tobias Seamon Coffee Stains by Lawrence Krauser Toxic Beauty by Lauran Strait I Burst Into Flames by Ronnie Cordova Velvet Fog by Gary Glauber Four Eyed Chick by Tom H. Macker The Rules of Embalming by Kelly Spitzer The First and Last God-Damned Stupid Birthday Present An excerpt from The Pupils of an Inflated Giraffe by Blake Butler Carpentry by Diane Payne JuJu Jetski by Lisa McMann Santa Claus is Coming...A Sex and the Christmas Special by Eric Spitznagel Some Vegetarians by J Robert Lennon Livewire by David Gianatasio Hand by Ryan Boudinot My Big Fat Greek Neighbor by Wells Oliver Stupid's Rising Up by Dave Clapper The Time Between Ordering and Eating by Kevin Fanning Guess What I Got On Ebay by Calvin Liu Don't Fuck With the Dungeonmaster by Matthew Simmons Subway Kings by Paul Toth The Night Before My Beige Tercel Went Off The Cedar Creek Bridge With All Of Us Inside by Brian Graham Shuckers by Steve Gullion Elephants Make Poor Salads by Benjamin Cohen Haibun: Divorcing the Brothers by Pat Pedersen The Next Stanley Kubrick by Kathy Fish The Devil and the Potato Picker by Troy Morash The Cat Had Her Tongue by Ed Page Future Plans by Jamey Gallagher Author's Bio by Eric Spitznagel What to Wear by Susan Henderson Paid Advertisment by Vic Perry The Translation by Kevin Sampsell The Raining Men by Pasha Malla Neurotica by Frayn Masters Taqueria la Cumbre by Joseph Young Monkey Blood by Bill Spratch Empty Houses by Lydia Copeland Doll Man by Wayne Wolfson The State Quarters' Stare by Francis Raven How Sweet the Sight by Megan Bott Spinning Blades by Rose Gowen The Day the Aliens Brought Pancakes by Eric Spitznagel Two Stories: Reworking Jimmy and Reworking Dannielle by Mike McGowan Moby Dick FEED by David C. LaTerre Sleeping Pills by Kevin Sampsell Fruit Snacks by Christopher Paul Some Lives Consist of Missing by Elizabeth Ellen CLASSIFIED: The Eradication of the Word "Natch" from the English Language and Laying Down The Law by Paul A Toth Juju by Wayne Wolfson Inspiration and Innovation in Collectibles and The Capetown Natural History Museum by Chad McEvoy Dangerous Christmas Toys (specifically Victorian Era Anti-Masturbation Devices) by Eric Spitznagel when are you not going anywhere? by Kathleen Nering Tiny and Perfect by Whitney Pastorek Academia by Mike McGowan Behavioral Science by Jill Alphonso