LETTERS OF GREAT CONSEQUENCE THAT NEVER ARRIVED

By

Clive Bannister

DECEMBER 12, 2002 
 
Mr. President, 
 
I must apologize for my tasteless joke at the intelligence briefing earlier today. As you surely know, the notion that Iraq is in possession of WMD is in no way a “slam dunk.” Still, I should not have made light of this sensitive situation. 
 
Very Sorry, 
George Tenet

MAY 17, 1908 
 
Dear Adolf, 
 
Please disregard our previous correspondence rejecting your application to the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna. Due to a clerical error, you were sent an incorrect response, and you have in fact been admitted! Congratulations, and please forgive our mistake. We look forward to helping you develop your painting in the fall! 
 
Best Wishes, 
The Admissions Committee

JUNE 28, 1914 
 
Cruel World, 
 
The pain I have inflicted on the noble people of Bosnia and Herzegovina has made my heart unbearably heavy, and I have decided to take my own life. I have charged my clandestine contacts in the Black Hand organization with carrying out this gruesome task, so as not to offend my noble lineage with the true, cowardly nature of my death. As I near my end, I take comfort in the fact that my death will undoubtedly make Austria—and Europe as a whole—a more peaceful land. 
 
Farewell, 
Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria 

APRIL 11, 1861
 
President Jefferson Davis, 
 
Regrettably, our fiery rhetoric has now reached a fever pitch, and your commitment to abandoning the Union is quite apparent. After considering this most grave issue, I now give you my sacred word that the forces under my command—military and political alike—will not prevent your Confederacy from seceding if you simply agree to withhold your attack on Fort Sumter. I thank you in advance for sparing the lives that might have otherwise been lost there, and hope that we can move forward with the dissolution of the Union as amicably as possible. 
 
Yours, 
President Abraham Lincoln

APRIL 10, 1 BC 
 
Governor Pilate, 
 
I just wanted to review our plan for Friday one more time—as I’m sure you can imagine, I’m quite nervous. When I confirm that I am indeed the Son of God and the King of the Jews, that’s your queue to set me free. And once all the angel hoopla is wrapped up (per my previous note), don’t forget to grab some of that good Roman wine for the after party. (I don’t want to spend the whole time doing that water-to-wine bit; I’m going to have a lot to talk about with Peter and the rest of those guys.) 
 
Best, 
Jesus H. Christ

PRE-HISTORY 
 
Hey Nothingness, 
 
I don’t even know if you’ll get this letter, since its physical being is an impossibility and I'm not really sure where to send it, but let’s hold off on that Big Bang thing we talked about the other night. (To tell you the truth, I think we were both pretty blitzed.) I took a peek at what the end result would be, and the whole thing just eventually devolves into a big pile of soda bottles and concrete and swollen monkeys staring at LCD screens. I know you can’t really comprehend nouns, but trust me, it’s not worth the hassle. So keep on doing whatever it is you do (or don’t do), and next time I sense your nonbeing in the neighborhood, I’ll be sure to say hi. 
 
Thanks, 
God