Four Stories
Envy
When he was a kid, his mother wouldn't let him play with those little green plastic army men. She was afraid he'd get wounded — or possibly even killed — by friendly fire.
If neighbor children invited him over to play with their little green plastic army men, he was supposed to say, "Sorry, I'm gay."
He wasn't gay, but that didn't matter — especially not to the meanest of the neighborhood bullies. "Don't ask, don't tell" didn't exist when he was growing up. Neither did child psychologists, really.
Truckstop
Some clowns are funnier than others. That's why there are so many paintings of sad clowns.
This is what went through the mind of the robber after he failed his quick escape from a truckstop so enormous there seemed to be no doors for miles.
"I got a right to a lawyer," he told the arresting officer.
Omahaha
It's okay to laugh at the biggest city in Nebraska. Just first be sure you have a ride home.
But what would you be doing in Nebraska, anyway?
Like Magic
One time I watched a guy pull a rabbit out of a hat. He wasn't a magician, but he was pretty tricky.
The hat was overflowing with water and the rabbit was sure to drown if somebody didn’t act fast. And this guy did.
He reached his hand right in and pulled out that rabbit just in time. Then he started asking a lot of complicated questions. How a rabbit ever found its way into the prototype for my patented Water Animal Death Hat, I had no idea.
But find its way in it did — again and again. As soon as that guy (I called him Dad) disappeared.
Brian Beatty’s stories, poems and jokes have appeared in numerous print and online publications. He lives in a house in Minneapolis.