A Zagat Writer Reviews Everyday Life
HIS SEX LIFE
This “standard” Tuesday evening event still ranks as “a
highlight” of the “busy week”; the foreplay, though
“charming” and “consistently good”, can sometimes
“drag on” for “what seems like forever”; the
“infamous” “swirl maneuver” continues to live
up to its reputation as a “crowd pleaser” while the patented
“grinding motion” is “wonderful” and certainly
“worth waiting for”; opinions are split on the “use
of dirty language” but there’s no question that the “creative
exploitation” of garters is “particularly tempting”
and “swoon-worthy”; hipsters will enjoy the “casual”
“blend” of “wacky” bongo music and incense
sticks as a “tempting” “soothing” backdrop
to this “ultimate display” of “Zen-like” “debauchery”;
the inclusion of the “bizarre” and “creepy”
robot leaves longtimers smarting.
HIS SON’S SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR
Billed as a “fun-filled” and “entertaining”
afternoon, the Sabal Point Elementary science fair was “a total
letdown”; the exhibits were “amateurish at best”
and most “resembled the work of a child”; “even
casual observers” will notice “blatant inaccuracies”
like the “inclusion of Pluto” in the “crudely designed”
solar system which was “nothing more” than “a collection
of different sized Styrofoam balls”; though “a few exhibits”
showed “insight” and “an attempt at scientific discovery”,
this “so-called celebration of science” was “basically
a lame-ass showcase” of “paper mache volcanoes.”
HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW
“So what if she lives 2,000 miles away?” ask aficionados
of this “crabby” yet “grumpy” “routine”
visitor; her “frank commentary” and “overbearing
opinions” make this “formidable” woman a “constant
threat” to “everything you hold near and dear” including
but not limited to “your sanity”; “look out”
for her “compliments” as they often “mean something
else”; “details matter” with this one so “it’d
behoove you” to ensure the “linens are freshly ironed”;
though she’s “technically family” and therefore
“unavoidable”, most agree she’s “tolerable”
only in “small doses.”
Rob Bloom is a comedy writer whose screenplay “Suburban Bravery” is being produced by Upright Citizens Brigade for nationwide release. Visit www.robbloom.com for hijinks galore.