Adding Friends
Thousands of years ago, in the first world, Eve was a she.
People who were happy had a tendency to stay where they were. When one is happy, there is no need for change. Happy people stayed where they grew up, where streets were named after trees or former presidents. For example: on Cedar Lane, a teenage girl texts an emotionally ambivalent message to a potential male suitor.
People who were unhappy lacked incentive to stay. When one is unhappy, there is a need for change. Unhappy people tended to move to large metropolitan cities, where streets were named after numbers. They tried to meet people the ‘old fashioned’ way at bars, but soon gave up and began befriending strangers on social networking sites. For example: on 33rd street, a young woman adds a stranger as a friend, then throws up in the toilet.
The main propagators of emotionally ambivalent texts were moderately attractive emotionally needy females subject to erratic menstrual cycles. Their mobiles pulsed as the center of their nervous system.
The world continued this way for a long time, until the atmosphere filled with carbon dioxide, and humans devolved into midgets. Cities and economies collapsed, emotionally ambivalent text messages continued:
Where are you?
I called
I’m feeling weird
People who wanted to get laid had a tendency to reply to these emotionally ambivalent text messages. When one is horny, there is a need for change. Horny people had a tendency to masturbate to random people’s Facebook profiles. For example: on Walnut Avenue, a young man relieves himself of another godless day.
People whose Facebook profiles where consistently masturbated to by numerous strangers had no idea that such one-way incidents were abound. They went about their ignorant lives the way one should: eating fresh fruit, networking, moving their savings into a more aggressive IRA account, yoga, light television, and flossing.
The main propagators of Facebook profile masturbation were depressed males with grim dispositions who suffered from severe acne. Their Wi-Fi connection pulsed as the center of their nervous system.
The world continued this way for a long time, until the atmosphere filled with carbon monoxide, and humans devolved into midgets. Cities and economies collapsed, Facebook profile masturbation continued:
Who are you?
I came
I’m feeling weird.
Jimmy Chen administrates at a large institution, where he also writes. He lives in San Francisco with his partner and their stuffed alligator Ali-G.