 |
|||
|
By Ronnie Cordova Small inefficiencies, pointless energy outlays, and wasted movements in daily living are now punishable by spontaneous combustion. Scientists are baffled. Paul Q.: I never eat falafel. I'm not even sure I like falafel. I mean, it's just okay. But one night I was really craving it, even though I was halfway through making dinner, a totally non-falafel kind of dinner. I abandoned this partly-made meal, got in my car and drove over to this falafel place I know, and just as I pulled up they were flipping the sign around to Closed. So instead of thinking that falafel clearly wasn't meant to be that night, I drove to the gas station and parked over by the phones. I got out and started searching the phone book, looking for any place that sounded like it might have falafel, anything Middle Eastern. I found one takeout joint that looked promising, so I tore out that page, got back in my car and drove over there. I got lost twice and it took me almost forty-five minutes, but I finally found it. They were closed too, and when I checked the menu posted in the window I noticed that they didn't even serve falafel. And that's when I burst into flames. I should have just called when I was at the payphone. Actually, staying home would've been even better. Sharon S.: I took the laundry out of the dryer and set the clothes basket down at the foot of the stairs, intending to take it up when I went to bed. But then an hour later when I decided to turn in, I walked right past it. I mean, I saw it. But it just didn't register for some reason, you know? When it hit me later in bed I thought well isn't that just the darnedest thing, and I got up, put my robe on and went back to get it in the middle of the night--which makes even less sense if you think about it. And when I got down there I burst into flames. I guess I can't really complain, I was being pretty silly. Bjorn W.: I had burst into flames more times than anyone in my building, more even than the silly woman on Twelve who periodically locked herself out of her apartment or drove off with groceries on the roof of her car. I gradually became aware of the murmurings in the lobby and in the corridors, the sneering whispers about my status as the most personally inefficient and illogical tenant in the entire complex. I was an object of derision even as I hobbled by in my most recent convalescence. Stung by such cruelty, I resolved to change my ways, especially since the doctors had informed me that I had no more suitable skin graft sites on my body, every inch of me was either burned or had already provided replacement tissue. The time had come to turn myself into a paragon of efficiency, cat-like in the economy of my movements and my swift but canny bursts of action. I studied martial arts, I meditated, I made not a single motion without careful consideration. Life for me had become a game of chess, I was always thinking several moves ahead. Coming home from my final doctor visit, I parked in my numbered space and strode toward the lobby a changed man. My bandages were finally all removed, my limp was gone, and with steely feline awareness I pushed through the revolving doors, feeling the eyes of my neighbors upon me. Time seemed to slow down as I scanned their slack faces, noticing in each some damnable flaw, some repellent imperfection. It was my triumph. I had not merely attained an acceptable level of physical shrewdness and logic, I had, in fact, soared past them all and become something wholly different, a superior being the likes of which had never been glimpsed in either the main building or the new annex. Well, I must've gotten lost in the reverie. Somehow I went all the way around and ended up back outside. When I pushed my way through to the lobby again, I burst into flames. If you would like to link to this story, please use this link. | ||
