A Christmas Story With Puzzler
A Wall Away
He is a wall away. He is in the entranceway of her house, amidst pine trees and poinsettias. It is three o’clock in the morning, December 25th. His wife left hours ago. He is blacked-out/shit-faced, alone amongst friends, alone with her husband, others. He will not remember any of this when he wakes up later in the afternoon. He will text her. Was I an ass last night? Do I owe anyone an apology? He will make it too easy. You were a real shit, she will type from an airport bathroom stall; smile. He won’t know if she’s kidding or not. He will assume she is not.
Right now, however, he is still a wall away. He is calling her name. He is repeating her initials, which is really just one letter. He sounds childlike: ungrateful, spoiled. She wants to go to him; coddle him; accept his fingers into her mouth. She is standing naked in the bedroom, her clothes in a heap at her feet. She is putting on her pajamas: flannel, sexless. This isn’t about sex.
This is what she tells her husband, after everyone else (read: he) has gone.
This isn’t about sex, she says.
I wish sometimes it were, he says.
Puzzler
Four people walk into a bar on Christmas Eve: Two men, two women. One of the men is in love with one of the women. One of the women is in love with one of the men, though not the man who is in love with one of the women. One of the men doesn’t know if he is in love with either of the women, though he loves them both. One of the women is in love with both of the men, but has only had sex with one of them. Question: Who is buying drinks? Bonus question: How many times will they have to hear Bruce Springsteen’s version of Santa Claus Is Coming to Town on the jukebox before they call it a night?
Elizabeth Ellen is pretty sure no Christmas will ever top that of Christmas 1977 when she received all three Charlie’s Angels dolls (Jill, Kelly and Sabrina) and the Charlie’s Angels tree house. Not that you should give up hope. Not that you should use this as an excuse to get her some lame-ass, thoughtless present. You should still at least try. Find her on the net here.