Jose Canseco Knows Which Superheroes are on Steroids
Superman
You don't have to be a former superstar athlete like myself to see
that this guy is on the juice big time. This dude is the superhero
world's version of Barry Bonds. Both are at the top of their fields
and both are plainly juiced. You don't see the media harassing Supes
like they do Bonds, though.
Maybe the first time Barry hurls a falling meteor into the sun, they'll
cut him a break. I know he's got the strength to do it (like me),
but he'll never be able to fly no matter how much juice he takes,
so unless he's standing on top of a really tall building or a mountain
or something, there's no way he could reach the meteor before it hits.
And the press will give him a hard time about it.
The Flash
Why's a guy whose only power is super speed so big? You don't build
an enormous upper body doing wind sprints. He's fast, and he's on
the juice. I was the first guy to steal forty bases and hit forty
homers in the same year. Did you know that?
Spiderman
He's definitely got tone, but not a lot of size, so I'm going to say
he's not a juicer. The guy can supposedly lift something like twenty
times his own weight, because he has the proportional strength of
a spider. But if he went on the juice, he could probably increase
that to thirty or forty times his weight. Plus, he might finally be
able to straighten out his rocky romance with that Mary Jane chick if he cut a more manly figure.
It was my own manly figure that helped me get Madonna in the sack.
Remember that?
The Hulk
Do I even have to bother? Skinny science geek gains 300 pounds in,
like, ten seconds and has the ultimate case of 'roid rage. He must
have gotten hold of some bad juice, though. Rage and extreme genital
shrinkage is a given, but you definitely shouldn't be turning green,
you know? I should get him in contact with my guy.
Captain Marvel
Another easy one to call. Skinny kid turns huge in the blink of an
eye. It took me the entire spring training of '86 to turn from skinny
guy to the specimen I became, and still am today. Sure, that magic
"Shazam" word has a lot to do with his transformation, but
I'm betting the rest of it is due to the magic of performance enhancing
drugs.
Batman
The Dark Knight doesn't have any actual super powers, so of course
he's going to be juicing. He'd be crazy not to. Detective skills and
fancy gadgets don't mean a thing if you can't pick up a henchman and
toss him off a roof or out a window. I picked up a Seattle Mariner
once during a bench-clearing brawl and threw him into the fourteenth
row. That doesn't mean I'm a superhero, of course, but I did win the
MVP Award in '88.
Robin
The kid's too small to be on the juice. But he should be. How's he
going to back up his partner with nothing to prepare him but clean
living, an intense training routine and a sound diet? Answer: he isn't.
Not without "B-12 shots" to give him the edge he needs.
If this kid would just get with the program, he and Batman could become
as great a duo as McGwire and I used to be. The Bash Brothers. That's
what they called us. Before a game, we'd go into the bathroom and
inject each other in the ass. I could see Batman and Robin doing that
before they went to go beat up The Joker or someone.
Ralph Gamelli is of medium height.