Heat Miser and Snow Miser: the Correspondence
Dear HM,
It's time to end this. We'll live forever, but that doesn't mean our feud should. I can't even remember what started it, but I do recall that the visit by Mrs. Claus and her two insipid elves only added fuel to the fire.
What do you say, Brother? It's almost Christmas, and whether it ends up being a green one or a white one, I think we should spend it together, like we used to before all the unpleasantness. Can we be friends again?
Sincerely,
SM
P.S. Please note that my fire metaphor was not meant sarcastically.
Dear SM,
I've been thinking much the same thing. The bad blood can't continue. It takes a lot of energy to maintain such anger. It's really sapped my strength. Some days I don't even feel like getting off my throne, much less performing musical dance numbers with my minions. My overeating has grown worse, too.
I'd love to let bygones be bygones and get together with you this Christmas, but where do you propose we spend it? Given that I never want to know a day that's under 60 degrees and you never want to know a day that's over 40 degrees, I suggest we find a place with a temperature somewhere near the middle. Just as two halves of a football field meet at the 50-yard line, we can meet at the 50-degree line.
Your Brother,
Heat
Dear HM,
Fantastic! I knew we would work it out one day. Icebergs may melt, volcanoes may cool, but the bonds of family are indestructible.
I've had my minions do some checking, and at this time of year Madrid seems like the ideal location, averaging exactly 50 degrees!
Feliz Navidad!
Best,
Snowy
Dear SM,
Although that indeed sounds perfect, I've been informed by my own minions that 50 degrees is in fact the average high temperature, while the average low gets down to only 34. As that comes out to a quite nippy 42 degrees, which is barely out of your comfort zone, I'm sure this was just an oversight on the part of your minions, who probably have as much trouble keeping you adequately informed as they do harmonizing.
It seems that Athens might be the answer. 54 for a high, 42 for a low, averaging a fairly reasonable 48. I'm sure that won't be too unbearable for either of us. (I'll dress in layers and you can use plenty of ice in your drinks.)
I wasn't able to find a spot with a mean temperature of exactly 50, but I'm more than willing, in the spirit of reconciliation, to grant you those two degrees.
Can't wait to see you again.
Heat
Dear HM,
Sorry about the mistake, Brother. You're right, of course. Studying it more closely, Madrid's average daily temperature is noticeably lower than I thought. I was so excited when I heard the magic “50 degrees” that I rushed off my last letter before doing the math, which my minions should have provided me with from the start. It's hard to get good help, as they say. I can assure you those responsible have been terminated. Literally. I touched them and turned them into snow. They don't call me Mr. Icicle for nothing. I can only hope it was painful for them.
However, I must disagree with you about their singing. They are all excellent performers, and their backup harmonies have served me well whenever I must introduce myself through song. I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but as you know, they look and dress exactly like me (at half the size) and any criticism of them is indirect criticism of myself. If I said that your own minions resembled pot-bellied devils with “flaming” hair, you would rightly take offense, which is why I would never do it, except as an example of what not to say, as is the case now.
I agree that Athens sounds perfect for our Christmas reunion. Thank you for granting those two degrees in my favor. Two degrees. That's inconceivably generous of you.
Yours Truly,
SM
Dear SM,
Two degrees is two degrees. It's more of an effort than you made. And why did you put “flaming” in quotes? If you've got something to say, just say it.
HM
P.S. Just because we're immortal doesn't mean fashions are. Straw hats went out of style a long time ago.
Dear Mr. Heat Blister,
Hey, turn on The Weather Channel and check out South Town. 14 inches of snow!
SM
Dear Mr. Ten Below (the Belt),
Question: How much does global warming suck?
Answer: Too much!
Get it?
HM
Dear Mr. Hundred and One (IQ Points),
Christmas is off, homo!
SM
Dear Lice-icle,
See ya when Hell freezes over, jackass!
HM