Appendix To The Prufrock Second Manual Of Etiquettes For Surviving The Modern World Politely: More Hints And Useful Tips For Situations In Or Arising From The Workplace
1. Expressing gratitude to the same person for several opened doors in
quick succession
This scenario often occurs in large offices where fire doors are
situated in close proximity to each other and there are several schools
of thought on handling such an event. Expressing gratitude is the
cornerstone of any mannered society, and yet is an increasingly
neglected art in today's hustle-bustle world. The Prufrock Manual urges
you to take every opportunity to convey thanks in proportion to the
kindnesses you receive. In keeping with the earlier Correct
Conversational Rhythms chapter, it is therefore appropriate to respond
with one of the following:
'Thanks. Thanks. Cheers.'
'Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.'
Any deviation from these patterns and your door-opening benefactor will
think you strange. Remember these expressions are restrained in direct
proportion to the act. The door-opener was already walking through in
the first place. He or she may have propped them open merely because it
requires less energy than turning and slamming them in your face.
Also, on no account should you increase the
volume or content of your
gratitude. The listener will take this to mean you are deprived of
meaningful human contact and are emotionally needy. Nor should you
follow the door-opener in silence: this means you are an ungrateful
fuck.
Useful tip: walking faster can dramatically reduce the likelihood of
finding yourself on the receiving end of opened doors.
1. Upon a chance encounter with a co-worker in a public place
In more respectful times, a doff of a hat or nod of the head would have
been enough when chancing upon a colleague in the street (since then the
confessional talk show has shredded the fabric of emotional reserve that
the Prufrock Manual holds dear). Nowadays acceptable behaviour in such
an event can be hard to call. On the one hand, sure, it would be great
to become friends outside of work. You've always thought you had a lot
in common. On the other, your co-worker may well find you
preternaturally boring. Frankly, why find out and risk upsetting your
delicate psychical balance? It is also best not to force yourself on
someone, as they may only address you out of a sense of obligation.
Being polite means being considerate of others. If approached, engage in
a minimal verbal exchange such as 'Hi. How are you,' and break into a
brisk walk or light jog at the earliest opportunity. If your co-worker
calls after you, don't be afraid to return with: 'Exercising! I'm just
exercising!'
Note: this strategy may not work if you are inappropriately attired, or
if you meet whilst on the bus, or out shopping with loved ones. These
situations each present their own logistical difficulties and may
additionally render you impolite should you choose to follow the
recommended etiquette solution set out above.
Useful tip: eliminate risk of such encounters by spending as little time
as possible in public places.
1. Upon attending the office party
Scarcely has there been a social situation more fraught with the danger
of improper etiquette. The Prufrock Manual remembers with fondness the
genteel days when work and social activity were mutually exclusive.
Interestingly, anthropologists have noted the paradox that many of the
most polite institutions become chaotic and bad mannered with the
addition of food, alcohol and cigarettes (see, for example, the
Bunnyfoot case studies on the British Civil Service). At all times it is
imperative to remember one's place in the food chain, and that your
seniors are unfailingly correct. The Prufrock Manual urges you to
consider that you are a young, inexperienced head on young,
inexperienced shoulders. However, intoxication has been shown to impair
both memory and rational thought. This is why leaving/retirement
parties, end of financial year events and conference dinners must be
avoided at all costs.
Should you find yourself hoodwinked into attending such an occasion,
there are rules you can follow that will ensure a polite conclusion to
the evening:
-Accept any sundry items you are forced to consume with good grace-this is the polite thing to do
-Find a quiet, inconspicuous corner
-Talk to as few co-workers as possible
And remember: even in the event of a lapse into rudeness, there are
strategies you can adopt to manage the situation and its consequences.
If you accidentally consume alcohol and find yourself compelled to abuse
a co-worker, far better to call them a 'filthy old roue' thank a
'fucking asshole'. The latter epithet can only escalate a climate of
affront immediately. The former will at least have some recipients
searching for a dictionary to pursue the word's etymology before
engaging in another verbal exchange.
Useful tip: at all costs, avoid the tequila.
1. Upon needing your job back
The Prufrock Manual often reminisces about the halcyon days when a
vocation meant a job for life. The ideal Prufrock narrative trajectory
involves stiff upper lips and the phrases 'onwards and upwards' and
'cleanliness is next to Godliness' (see especially the earlier chapter
on hygiene for more on this point). However it recognises that, since
the advent of the processed cheeses, home video and Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy, nothing is certain any longer.
Always ensure you are polite if you left a job after your employer
ungraciously refused to advance your career as you saw fit, and now must
request your old post back. However it is likely you are such an asset
that they are desperate for you to return.
In light of this is only good etiquette to craft a situation in which
they feel as though they are doing you a favor. Just as an excellent
host should do as his guest does, so a gracious former employee should
take steps to ensure their former employer suffers no embarrassment by
begging you to return. Therefore, be assured that he or she will
gratefully welcome your use of these stock phrases:
-I must feed my starving children
-I'm afraid of what my violent spouse will do
-I was just starting to get my life back on track.
Useful tip: if experiencing difficulties whilst reacquiring your old
job, it is not always impolite to offer your employer a sexual
incentive.
For now, it is enough for you to know that James Hogwood shares his name with a police officer from Chattanooga. And that he himself is a copywriter from London whose writing has appeared in Surgery of Modern Warfare, This is it and Level magazine. He will use the agreed codeword should he ever require your help.