WHILE YOU WERE OUT

By

Alexandra Leake

2:23 p.m. Your daughter Emma called. Babysitter being “mean.” Won’t let them ride bikes to ice cream place.

2:26 p.m. Mr. Morreale stopped by. Client needs copy of opinion letter on the shopping center project ASAP.

2:27 p.m. Your daughter Marian called. Charolette is not being mean; Emma is being dumb. They can’t go to the ice cream place because of “the crazy blond lady sitting in the car in front of the house.” She is throwing “things” onto the lawn. Like toothpaste.

2:27 p.m. Mouthwash, suntan lotion, shaving cream.

2:28 p.m. “Socks.”

2:44 p.m. Your husband called. His team may have discovered an “amazing” fossil in the Yucatan. He “might have to go there” for ten days.

2:47 p.m. Verizon called. Warranty up on your cell phone; contract period not completed. You have to pay full price for new one.

2:52 p.m. Your mother called. Mrs. Waldron has breast cancer again. In her “memory gland.” Can you write Mrs. W “a nice note?”

2:57 p.m. Your husband called. “Where is his passport?”

3:10 p.m. Your daughter Marian called. The crazy blond lady “threw a pie” at Charolette when Charolette went to the mailbox. Pie “yucky.”

3:16 p.m. Charolette called. You owe her “big time.” Pie plate chipped her front tooth. “P.S. The blueberries ruined her jeans.”

3:47 p.m. Officer McElroy called. “Miss Gillvray” has been asked to leave the premises. You might want “restraining order” to prevent further “domestic A&B with pie” incidents. He left a copy of his report with babysitter.

3:49 p.m. Mr. Shachoy called about 5 o’clock meeting. He is coming directly from the airport. Needs you to bring copies of “hold harmless agreement” marked-up to show changes.

5:06 p.m. Emma called. Wants to go to Charolette’s dentist from now on. Charolette’s dentist has a whole basket filled with goodies. Not just “stuff like dental floss.” Emma got Hello Kitty stickers, and Marian a key ring.

5:11 p.m. Charolette called. She had to borrow your new jacket. Is going to have dentist send the bill ($457) directly to you b/c “if your husband’s whacked girlfriend is going to be mistaking her for you,” she may as well be getting something out of the mix-up.

5:47 p.m. Charolette called. “Ditto the dry cleaning bill ($12.50).” “P.S. she wasn’t that pretty.”

5:58 p.m. Your husband called. “The Cancun thing didn’t pan out.” Now that he has found passport, he has booked the two of you into the Ritz Hotel in Paris for five days.

6:11 p.m. Your daughter Marian called. “Guess what just–” (She hung up.)

6:19 p.m. Your husband called again. “What is your ring size?”