YOUR HOME PREGNANCY TEST RESULTS

By

Nathaniel Missildine

Blue Minus Sign
This indicates NOT PREGNANT. That is for the best really. Promise yourself and your partner that you will revisit birth control options. Also that you might start some. Take a moment then to re-evaluate your priorities in life. Come up with a long-term plan. Commit to putting away money away for savings. Down the road, you'll be ready for a child, but not today, nor tomorrow. Drink heavily that evening. Bed your partner summarily. Blue Plus Sign This means PREGNANT. In nine months, you will be awakened by the sonic cry of death-rattle hunger twice a night for four to ten months. Take this time to stare vacantly into a corner, walloped by the enormity of the change you are about to undergo. Make a mental list of all the things you won't be able to do now. Cancel your dreams of going on the road with a professional jug band. Proceed to pricing burpies. On the plus side, the vague empty feeling you tend to get once a sitcom has ended or immediately after polishing off a candy bar, this goes away for good.


Blue Spiral Pattern
This means you're either PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. It's one of the two. The test needs some more time to think. This is the eight-ball equivalent of "Ask Again Later." You might want to try singing to the test or complimenting it on its snappy design. While waiting, build a small shrine in its honor. Coax the answer from it, like an adult coaxing a pacifier out of a sleeping newborn. Reiterate to the test how lovely the blue minus sign is.


Red X
This indicates that you COULD be pregnant but, more importantly, that you and partner are NOT ready for a baby. Why you even thought that you could possibly handle a child of your own is beyond anyone's comprehension. Just because you cried at the end of Finding Nemo doesn't mean you understand kids. The reality of it is that kids almost always hide at the sight of you. You've got to get yourself together. You never floss. You don't even have renter's insurance.


98.6 degrees Fahrenheit
This indicates that you are holding a thermometer. It also means you will have to return to the drugstore to really buy the test this time, hoping you don't run into anyone you know.


Red Pentagram
This indicates pregnant and the growing fetus is in fact a spawn of Satan. You'd be surprised how common this is. Your partner has been selected to help realize an age-old plan for Earth to finally be reclaimed by its rightful demon keepers. You may want to redo the baby's room from pink or sky blue to jugular red or dark. Also, rent Rosemary's Baby. Take detailed notes.


Yellow Moons
This means a male has urinated on the test as a joke that no one will find funny.


Blue Elephant
You are pregnant and your baby will most likely grow up to be a Republican. So any kind of visit to the clinic the next town over is now out of the question. But this is good news; your child will soon be in the high end of the tax bracket, the one where they're exempt from income and asset taxes. Bill O'Reilly's upteenth book is available online, as are bumper stickers that say "Rome Wasn't Lost in the Day." Again, renting Rosemary's Baby will help.


Cartoon Rendering of Thyroid Gland
This means your partner is not pregnant but is currently angry with you. This is how she has chosen to express it. If you don't know why she is angry, then she has still more reason to be upset (though it figures you wouldn't know). If you do know, then why are you still standing in the bathroom holding the test while continuing to do the one thing she said she can't stand, which she's told you about before? This is typical.


Portrait of Kofi Annan
This indicates pregnant and also that your partner was fantasizing about the former Secretary General during conception. The upside is that you will have a well-rounded son or daughter, diplomatic and reasonable in all situations. The only thing you really have to worry about now is what if Kofi suddenly leaves his wife and puts himself back on the market. Your partner will drop you like a bad habit.


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This result displays a complex code that, if solved, will reveal the truth about the descendants of the only son of Our Lord. It indicates that you have wasted your time both by reading a fairly mediocre book concerning a religious cover-up and by viewing an eye-meltingly mediocre movie based on this book. This time could have been much better spent in the sack.


Flaming Warhammer
This means that your partner has been impregnated by Vikings. It's best to step out of the way now because she will soon be whisked away to a life of high seas adventure, where she will offer up her child as an infant-king who will rule the Nordic fleets and eventually lead them to ruin when he forbids everyone to eat the cod plentiful in the Northern Territories and thereby starves everyone through a difficult winter. It really just goes to show there's really never a good time to have a baby.