FAMOUS CHRISTMAS FIGURES' PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS, DIAGNOSED

By

Wendy Molyneux

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty shows periods of hyper-activity followed by periods of total non-activity, or “melting”. This behavior is problematic because of his job, which is to “dance around”. During his non-active periods, subject is unable to work at “dancing around.”

Also, subject does not seem to be able to create or maintain friendships with persons of his own age, preferring the company of children. Although local law enforcement has been made aware of the subject’s pedophilia, he has eluded capture by only pausing a moment when he hears them holler “stop.”

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Subject exhibits classic low self-esteem/narcissism, Rudolph was teased relentlessly for his oddly colored nose during his youth, but then elevated to a position of fame and glory when he was able to lead his co-workers during an important company function.  Now, subject seems to suffer delusions of grandeur, believing that he “will go down in history.”

Grandma

Subject is a problematic, late stage alcoholic, mixing eggnog and medication. She frequently self-injures then claims that she has been “run-over by reindeer.” Subject’s husband enables the behavior, spending his time ignoring the problem and “drinking beer and playing cards with Cousin Belle.”

Without hospitalization, her family will soon be “dressed in black,” wondering if at the holidays they should “open up her gifts or send them back.”

The Little Drummer Boy

Subject suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome, focusing obsessively on his drums and drumming, even at inappropriate times, such as when around infants.

Mommy

Subject endangers her marriage with ongoing, repeated sexual liaisons without discretion regarding the age, rotundity and jolliness of her sex partner, and even while her children are “tucked up in the bedroom fast asleep.”

Diagnosis: Nymphomania