MY COMPLETE AND UNABRIDGED SEXUAL HISTORY IN 60 SECONDS

By

Shayn Nicely

Danny Baldwin was the first penis I ever saw.  I was 4, he was 5. Then my dad walked in and freaked out. My first kiss was Christmas Day. I was 17. Mark Shapiro was there but I barely remember that part. John Gentile took my technical virginity on a couch while MTV was on. It lasted 30 seconds and then his friends' parents came home and we ran and I said it didn't count. I dated a 32-year-old “dom,” Robert Zinko, first year of college; now I have a rule about that.  My rebound was a one-week-stand with a married mechanic who was in my then-band.  I got a boyfriend and then fell for his best friend and stayed in love with him for three (3) years.  Shawn. We never kissed. I still say he's gay. Tried to get over him with this guy who went to all the same parties I did.  Marcus Dudley. We had sex once. Meh. I got my first serious orgasm from a friend who made out with me on New Year's Eve so I could make Shawn jealous, but then we just didn't stop. I casually dated this jock I hated later that summer. Collin Jordan. The sex was great, but every time he talked I told him to shut up, but only in my head.  More great sex with this “free love” 19-year-old who played harmonica named Lloyd. We had sex in a yellow tube slide. Later I realized this was the kind of spontaneous sex he had with everyone. Got stuck in a live-in relationship with a sullen Puerto Rican. Accidentally took his big V; turned out he'd been waiting. Sorry. Then I moved back home and swore off sex. Again.