The Cat Had Her Tongue
The cat had her tongue. And her eyes, too. And her adorable little nose.
It was as if my beautiful late wife had been reincarnated as a cat. I
became obsessed with this cat, who was apparently a stray. I took her to
the movies. To fancy restaurants. I could not get enough of her.
One night, after both of us had had plenty of wine at dinner, things got a
little hot and heavy in my Honda. I had my tongue in her mouth and was
being pretty free with my hands, if you know what I mean. Apparently, I
went a little too far a little too fast because at one point the cat bit
down on my tongue. Hard. Boy, did that hurt! Cats have sharp teeth!
The next day, in a meeting at work, my boss asked me a question and my
tongue was still so sore I didn't answer right away. "What? Cat got your
tongue?" my boss said. How did he know, I wondered.
Then it hit me. The cat was two-timing me! After I dropped her off in the
alley behind my apartment, she must have gone over to my boss's place and
told him what happened. Call me paranoid, but how else would he have known
about my tongue? Oh, how they must have laughed! Then they probably made
love. The idea sickened me. That cat was my wife, dammit! Or, at least,
she looked a lot like my wife. The nose was similar. The eyes, too. And
the tongue was just uncanny.
I forgot what I was going to say and instead turned to my boss and said,
"Dammit, Larry, that cat is my wife!" Well, he didn't know where to look.
And he didn't say anything, either. But, then, I guess he didn't have to.
He had already won. A couple of months later, the beautiful stray cat gave
birth to a litter of kittens that looked remarkably like Larry. And, by
some strange genetic coincidence, every one of them had his tongue.
Ed Page is the copyeditor for the humor website The Big Jewel. He lives in Seattle.