It's Only Rock and Roll, But We Like It
MEMORANDUM OF AGREEMENT
We are honored to include your fundraising dinner on our 2007 Tour—Keeping the Dream Alive, Again—because we greatly value
your valiant fight to save the Cuban abalones dying daily along the
beaches of Portland and all points north. When we began to prepare
for this reunion tour, we all agreed that what was important was not
the money, groupies, or access to drugs per se, but the opportunity
to play for real people like you and your supporters. It didn't matter
how big or small the venue was, what we wanted to do was rock. If
we could touch our fans along the way, awesome.
Now, you might be wondering if it is discouraging for us to have only
booked three dates thus far for the tour - your dinner, the Tannebaum
Bat Mitzvah in Baltimore, and the grand opening of the new Tasti-Freeze
in Grand Rapids. And you might also wonder why we would take the time-off
from our day jobs in North Dakota to drive all the way to Northern
Maine for the dinner.
But to all that we say, “We're artists, we love music, and its
only rock and roll, but we like it.”
We also fervently believe that we continue to have something to give
back. And with Jesus having entered our lives—well, all of us but
Ira—we also know that we answer to a higher power now. Our mad skills
are God's gift to the world, a gift that no one can question, because
to question them is to question Him, and there's no questioning Him.
We are on a mission - a mission to spread His message, His love, and
if possible, His seed via our earthly vessels. And so we will go wherever
the road - His road - takes us. Even Maine.
That said, we look forward to the show and want to confirm our needs
before we arrive.
Payment
We will need to be paid in full 30 days prior to the show or we will
not be able to retrieve our equipment from storage in time to make
the drive. We cannot accept third-party checks or credit cards, as
none of us have active bank accounts. We prefer that all payments
be hand-delivered, all requests for garnishments or correspondence
from creditors be ignored post-haste, and that we be paid in cash
with fives and tens—or even twenties, if need be. We have no desire
to barter, trade or receive in-kind services of any kind, though Bobby
will consider putting his one-fifth share towards a chin-job from
a discrete plastic surgeon of your choice.
Dinner
To begin, we have a cumin-intolerant member of the group, as well
as people trying to follow the Atkins, Jenny Craig, South Beach, Weight
Watchers, and Master Cleanse diets. Hence, please have options that
do not include pasta, bread, red meat, or vegetables. Please go light
on spices, particularly cumin, but also sea salt, powdered sugar,
celery root, cinnamon, parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. The entire
group is also lactose-intolerant. While we consider ourselves to be
fairly flexible beyond that, we prefer meals that no do not contain
olives, nuts, peppers of any color, Vidalia onions, or shitake mushrooms.
Additionally, after watching An Inconvenient Truth, we prefer
not to eat off of paper plates, drink from Styrofoam cups, or use
plastic utensils. China is acceptable, fine or otherwise, though preferably
said China will not have patterns resembling flowers, candles, or
garden gnomes. We are also willing to use metal cutlery, though not
cutlery made from titanium or cobalt. Ideally all eating apparatus
will be made from Hemp or a derivative of ethanol.
Stage Needs
More then our lyrics, costumes, and outrageous off-stage behavior,
it is our stage show that has ensured our legacy in the annals of
rock and roll history. The spontaneity, improvisation, and near hallucinatory
fervor our live shows are known for are, in fact, the product of a
highly calibrated rock and roll machine comprised of numerous moving
parts, hours of rehearsal, sophisticated engineering, and the integration
of string theory and quantum physics. We say all this because we know
what we need when we need to rock, and that includes one dry ice machine
filled with Perrier and not tap water or bottled water from a plastic
bottle, because Jackie is susceptible to hives following prolonged
exposure to plastics and fluoride; seven female and two male blow-up
dolls of all races for our eighties mash-up of We Are The World,
That's What Friends are For and Relax (don't do it); three
seven-foot phalluses with detachable scrotum sacs, which as needed
can be obtained from Bruce's company www.rockconcertphallus.com; ninety-nine
red balloons; and twelve dozen long-stemmed white roses to give out
to the crowd during our infamous, show-stopping encore cover of Every
Rose Has Its Thorn.
Backstage
While fulfilling our dinner and stage needs are paramount, the band
strongly feels that the post-show is no less important in terms of
achieving maximum rock and rollness. With that in mind, we seek the
following items to be present and replenished after the show as needed.
First, three cases of Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers—passion fruit
or loganberry preferred—and fourteen boxes of Capri Sun, tropical
blend only, as well as sixteen Slim Jims, pizza flavored; a variety
of local organically grown fruit - kiwis and cumquats being the top
choices; and one bowl of light blue Mentos; one bowl of apple flavored
Jolly Ranchers, and one bowl of strawberry Mambos. We will also need
three dozen condoms, ribbed and lubricated, extra large, no lamb skin
because Larry gets a nasty rash; nine surgical masks, blue only; one
case of Preparation H; nine bottles of Purell; one bottle of Clearasil;
and six tubes of St. Ives intensive healing advanced body moisturizer.
We thank you for meeting our needs and look forward to entertaining
you and your guests. If you should have any questions pertaining to
this memo, we cannot be reached directly, but you should feel free
to leave a message on my ex-wife's voicemail and I will return your
call as soon as she is willing and able to drive out to my house.
See you soon, thanks again, and rock-on, dude.
Ben Tanzer's debut novel Lucky Man is being published by Manx Media this spring - www.manxmedia.com/luckyman.htm and you can read his blog "This Blog Will Change Your Life" at http://bentanzer.blogspot.com.