FACT FILE

By

Mike Topp

1. Baseball was actually invented in 1768 by Ethan Matherson in Rhode Island Colony. But for some reason he gave it a silly French name ("Fifi ball"), so it never caught on.

2. Ayn Rand's pussy hair was hideous—"As bristly as the whiskers on a boar's snout," according to one report.

3. In the privacy of his home, Jesus wore slacks. He was the first god-man to do so.

4. The government uses most of your tax money to help foreign countries that want to change their names. "It's very expensive, what with court costs and ordering all new stationery, so we like to help them out," says one IRS official. "'Myanmar' cost us a bundle and everyone hates it. Let's face it, people liked saying 'Burma.' Now no one even talks about the place."
 
5. The English invented homosexuality in 1067. It was originally a strategy to fight inflation in the aftermath of the Battle of Hastings, but it became all the rage among guys who liked to suck dicks.