The Nunnery
For the longest time, I've wanted to open a bar called "The
Nunnery." The place would have a Catholic theme. I'd go buy
myself one of those old churches that nobody uses anymore and turn
it into the coolest nightspot in town. All the seats would be made
out of abandoned pews. The waitresses would wear low cut sexy habits
with short skirts. The bouncers would all be done up like priests.
The bar snacks would be bowls of communion wafers, only lightly salted
to make people thirsty.
Probably I'd want to open the bar in a college town somewhere. College
kids are really edgy, and they enjoy stuff that pushes the envelope.
Like, remember that kid who got cut in half a few years ago trying
to jump from one elevator to another elevator in one of those skyscraper
dorms they have at some of the bigger schools? That's the kind of
guy we want in our establishment. I mean, not one that has actually
been cut in half already, but you get the picture.
Sure, the Catholic Church would get mad and probably protest, but
so what? Every time the church makes a big stink over a movie or
an idea or whatever, the thing just gets way more popular because
of all the attention. Remember "Jesus Christ Superstar?" "The
DaVinci Code?" Late-term abortions? I say, bring it on, Monsignor,
make me rich!
Of course, the best thing about opening a bar called "The Nunnery" would
be putting up signs that say "Get Thee to The Nunnery" to
advertise the place. That, by the way, is a Shakespeare allusion,
in case you never studied Italian.
When people hear my idea to open up a bar called "The Nunnery," they
generally have one of two different reactions. Some people think
the idea is the stupidest thing they have ever heard. These people
tend to say something like, "you're an idiot." Or if they're
my mother: "You're a fucking idiot."
Other people think the idea is inspired, and they offer me their
full support, though rarely any seed money. A lot of times people
give me suggestions about things I can do with the bar - you know,
more Catholic stuff. Like they'll say, "the nuns can carry around
rulers and smack you if you don't have correct change" or "the
toilet stalls can be confession booths… where you can leave
all your crap behind." These people don't really get
it. The nunnery thing is just a conceit. I'm not trying to make a
real nunnery here or anything. Jesus!
Recently, I was on vacation in Poland, which is a really Catholic
country. There are nuns everywhere in Poland. The place is lousy
with them. One day I mailed something at a post office and a few
steps after leaving, I realized that I had left something important
behind. As I turned on my heels to go back to the office, I said "shit,
shit" really loudly, because I was worried about the important
papers that I had left behind. When I finished spinning around, I
was staring right into the faces of two stunned nuns. Just to be
clear, I said "shit, shit" right into some nuns' faces.
The nuns probably didn't speak English, but I bet they knew from
the look on my face that I was saying some really bad words. I have
no idea whether this is a good sign for my idea to open a bar called "The
Nunnery." Probably not.
There's a guy I know named Todd who is always saying that should
I open other religiously-themed bars too, like "The Synagogue," which
is closed on Saturdays, or "The Monastery," where nobody
is allowed to speak. He thinks he's hilarious when he makes these
suggestions. Todd's very existence makes me wish I had died as a
child.
Although I've wanted to open The Nunnery for nearly all my adult
life, I must admit that I've never taken a single step toward actually
making it happen. Once, though, I did ride in a hot air balloon,
which was nice.
Press in the spring.