The List I Found in the Shopping Cart Compared to My List, Compared to My Fantasy Grocery List
Found List (parentheses mine)
Apples (healthy)
Pineapples (healthy, exotic)
Star fruit (healthy, exotic, money, cool)
Whey protein (for smoothies? Again, money, cool. Add Coach
purse and condo fees)
Gum (fresh breath, dates, romance, on-the-go, possible skinny
bitch)
Stuff for Tom Yum Koong soup (soup being the food of bitches,
definite skinny bitch, should’ve registered that at “starfruit”)
Toothpicks (likely story)
Hand soap (the kind of girl who douches—just saying)
My List (parentheses mine)
Paper towels (dumbass)
Hamburger meat (boring, future breeder, 1970s ranch house)
Hot dogs (overweight, boyfriend substitute, match.com)
Hot dog buns (fitting)
Hamburger buns (“uninspired,” as quoted by ex-boyfriend)
TP (yeah, you shit…and it stinks)
Febreeze (convenient)
My Fantasy List (parentheses absent)
Fruit
Meat
Bread
Other basic sustenance items, i.e. brown eggs, alfalfa, block cheese,
kisses good night
Strong hands for foot rubs while watching TV
Extra confidence resulting in extra dignity
The ability to find a grocery list and just find a grocery list