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Optimal Handling of the C-NU™

K.O. CUINN

OPTIMAL HANDLING OF THE C-NU™ SENSORY EYE WITH OPTICAL-FIBRE NERVE ENDINGS, brought to you by The Android People™, Where Swiss Engineering Meets Californian Design™.

 

To enjoy maximum satisfaction from your C-NU™ sensory eye(s) with optical-fibre nerve endings, please read (evtl., have read to you) the information below, then turn to Pg.310 for instructions on OPTIMAL INSTALLATION.

ITEM 1.  Freight Damage.

The C-NU™ is individually packaged to prevent shipping damage.  Any eye(s) damaged as a result of transportation should not be returned for warranty consideration.  Freight damaged parts are the responsibility of the Carrier (delivery guy).  Unpack with care.

ITEM 2. Customer Damage, Customer Negligence.

Refers to instances where malfunctioning is caused by mishandling, improper installation, and/or incorrect system application.  Should eye(s) show evidence of trashing, then the cause of the malfunctioning may be determined to be customer damage and/or customer negligence, i.e. you just blew $1,200, warranty or not.

Customer damage and customer negligence include (but are not limited to) following:

1.Over-torquing of mounting bolts which crushes eyeballs.

{Air-gap clearance between your C-NU™ eye and eyeballs should not exceed 0.2mm[0.0008in].}  Optimal torquing ~ 8 p.s.i.  We do not trade in actual eyeballs, crushed or otherwise.  Nor do we know where you should send them.  Thanks for not blocking our phone lines with questions of this nature.  We do not know a surgeon who can straighten things out.

2.Over-torquing of hose-fittings from optical-fibres to cerebral nerve endings which can result in stripped threads of broken ports, which is especially unsightly to behold.

3.Improper field service.  Eyes, or parts thereof, which are incorrectly replaced by charlatans masquerading as god-fearing optometrists can result in animated finger-pointing and harsh words.  These types of complications can lead to system failure, which is really best avoided.

4.Mechanical damage, including scratches, nicks, dents, modification of air gap.  We remain unsure as to why anyone would intentionally modify their air gap.  Please contact us with your thoughts on the matter.

 

5.Environmental damage where eye(s) exposed to dust, mud, flies, beetles, or refrigerant.  No way does your warranty cover these instances.

6.The addition of non-approved chemicals after installation in socket (see  diagrams 4-11, [Pg 310] for procedure) which may result in moisture contamination.  As the C-NU™ contains copper-based alloys, moisture contamination can result in the surface of the C-NU™ becoming coated with a layer of copper which may at times glow in the dark.  It actually looks quite neat.  The copper-plating itself will not cause the C-NU™ to malfunction, but the conditions under which it is likely to occur are not good. Nor is painting, plating, or polishing.

(Please consult list of approved lubricants on Pg. 427).

7.Lack of lubrication, resulting in pupil-seizure.  There are 3 primary categories of pupil-seizure:

(i)Partial Seizure.  Occurs when the pupil deforms, detaches, and loosely welds to either eyeball.  May cause impaired functioning of C-NU™.

(ii)Full-On Seizure.  Occurs when pupil overheats and completely welds to both eyeballs simultaneously.  Zero rotation, passing puppy dogs may whimper.  Focus on (any) still functioning senses.

(iii)Total Meltdown.  Overheating is severe and prolonged enough to result in pupil flooding eye-whites and leaking through other orifices into the real world.  Big problem this one, hence you really got to lubricate regularly, with an approved lubricant.  We cannot stress this enough. People unfamiliar with Total Meltdown are likely to shriek at top of their gills.  You may feel nausea.  Disorientation is not uncommon.  Do not operate machinery.  Repeat, do not operate machinery.

In the event of pupil-seizure go immediately to Pg. 311 and read para 3.1, subsection(ii) - Removal of C-NU™.  Having successfully removed the product, leave it overnight in a glass of iced water before attempting to reinstall.

Need more info?  Our operators are waiting for your call, dial 1-800-BESEEINYA.





Kevin comes from Dublin, Ireland. With 20/20 vision (on a clear day), you'll see him on the Hill of Howth. A professional house-sitter, he's open to suggestion at kquinner@yahoo.com.