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Recent Rejections: The Collected Turndowns (Literary Included)

KEVIN O'CUINN

Thanks, but we're going to pass. It's rambling and delirious, which is sometimes nice, but we read it three times and cannot decipher the point. Also, all our editorial staff believe Glenn Miller died in a plane crash.

Sorry. Also, are you sure that stuff is legal in Slovakia?

Thank you for your application for the position of UN Secretary General. We regret to have to inform you that you have been unsuccessful, for several reasons, including the fact that Kofi Annan still currently occupies the position. We'll keep your application on file for three months. Should the post become vacant after this period, you will have to reapply.

Hi - thanks for sending it - this isn't going to work out for us, me and you - sorry to cut things off so early .. . I think the idea is a little too complicated for our younger readers. A trombone would never fit - there'd be too much head scratching. So we're gonna pass, sorry.

No way, dude. I'm Catholic.

Thanks for sending this for consideration. We're not going to accept it, really. Ever! Please don't resend it (again) under another title. That really ruffles our editorial feathers.

Sir, we are a science weekly.

No. Not like that, you know how I like it.

Damn it, man, my ex-wife's name is Glenda. Obviously, we're not running any fiction which uses that name, or derivatives thereof. Bitch took my car.

Sorry, son. $20 isn't gonna get you there. Credit card?

Kevo! I like the instinct but had trouble getting into it. Plus, I always thought Pennsylvania, 6-5000 was a phone number! Q: The whole Big Band?

Sir, this is a very funny piece. That's the good news. The bad news is that we don't run funny pieces, not anymore; not since the 9/11 when we became more newsy-journalismy, which, quite frankly, sucks.

Naw, dawg - silly and short.

It's an interesting piece, but I'm going to pass. My mom was a big Glenn Miller fan, so I found it kind of offensive.

What a mess, I can't eat this.

Kev: Thanks so so so so much for re-sending the re-write. It still sucks and I'm still going to pass.

Thanks - sort of close, but no cigarino. Sorry.

Thanks for sending this to us. I'm going to pass on it, but I think it has promise. I tend to agree with you - intentionally dangerous driving is still fertile. But wasn't the Big Bopper a musician?

Fuck off, the bar's closed.

Sorry. Well, not really “sorry,” but you get my drift.

We like you. And we're going to regretfully pass on this piece. Sorry. The part with the toe nails was sick. You can't do that to an American icon, damn it!

I'm married.

Man, ehhh, you're batshit insane. We're going to pass on this one too—sorry, but thanks—we read it three times and still have no idea what the hell is going on. Although we will say, of all the pieces we've recently rejected, this one was the most fun.

I said, take your hand away from there. Once more and I'm outa here.



Kevin lives in Frankfurt, Germany. He has a blog called KevsVille. He welcomes approval, and embraces rejection.